I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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