Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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