Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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