fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
