She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
