Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
