my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
