Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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