I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
