i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
