she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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