There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
someone get that fucking seahorse.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
