I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
