i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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