you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
