I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
