I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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