if you like me you must not know who I am
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
