i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
