I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
