I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize