So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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