sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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