I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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