I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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