your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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