Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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