This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
