the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
