Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
