My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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