I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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