She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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