Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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