Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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