Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
