I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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