After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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