so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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