Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
