Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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