If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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