I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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