Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
