and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
