so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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