if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
did i just pee glitter
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
