if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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