Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
