i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
