I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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