I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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