dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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