why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
