What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
