Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
