It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
