We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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