so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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