my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you would pick up someone in the library
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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