I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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